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June 2014

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Just so this wouldn't be empty...

Title: Crumble
Author: Kishoiluzal
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Ron/Harry, Oneshot
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Really, I’m beginning to think falling for your best friend is the most stupid cliché  ever invented.
Disclaimer: The day I own these characters is the day.. I don't know. Whatever.
Author's notes: verklingen's challenge. I'm sorry, neko. This is waay more than 120 words. I think I got carried away.



I hate the way you look at him. Your emerald eyes glaze over, they intensify, they form a hungry look. I never got that from you.



You stare at him during breakfast, Potions, Quiditch. You try to make it discreet, but I’m your best friend. I know you as much as you know yourself.



I’m beginning to think falling for your best friend is the most stupid cliché ever invented. Yet, I cannot stop it.



And it hurts.



I remember the night when we kissed. You were drunk. And I was pretending to be. You smiled at me, inched your face closer, closed your emerald orbs. Your lips were a little chapped but still amazingly soft. You are a great kisser. You're just too innocent to notice it. I was loving every second, drowning myself in the illusion that maybe...

I stood a chance.

But then,



“Draco.”



I pulled away, felt my cheeks flush in embarrassment, my eyes flash in anger. I wanted to punch you, break you, do anything that would make you feel the hurt I was feeling. How dare you?



But instead I chose to walk away.



The next day, you remembered. Not the name, but the kiss. You apologised, and everything fell back into place, nothing changed in our friendship.



Really.


Because I continued loving you, anyway.




Sometimes it gets to the point when I want to break down. Cry. Let go. Leave.



“Ron, come on.”



And you smile. Your eyes gleam. Not like it does with him, but close.



And my desire to leave disappears.



~fin



Like it? Please do comment!!! ^^

Comments

Yes, a review! ^_^ As I had promised. Fortunately, we didn't have to spend too much time in Ateneo, and the sun wasn't that merciless so my brain wasn't dehydrated. xp

The introduction is nicely evocative, I think. The first two paragraphs, though simple, were lucid and had an impact. (But perhaps you should think of changing 'hate' to 'despise' or something else, as the former is quite overused and the latter pertains to a stronger degree of it.) The jealousy that was felt was sufficiently embodied as well, for a fic this length. On the downside, I don't think the conflict that Ron felt after the kiss and 'choosing to walk away' was that moving or relatable; perhaps it was because you used one too many one-liners ("And it hurts." / "I continued loving.") Hmm... I guess the straightforward style worked for the introduction, because you're aiming to grab attention there, but if you want to exude angst in the words for the rest, you'll have to elaborate, make the character philosophize. Give further reactions apart from the initial; make him compare the painful instance to something, or have him be cynical, et al. You don't have to delete or lessen the one-liners, you'll just have to balance them out with longer depictions. ;)

Well, that was a nice read overall. ^.^ Congrats on the first t_q post. Ü
*points to icon* It's kisho! Hehehe.

Wow... thanks for that review. Definitely shook me there, it did. Now I know. I don't know if I'll edit it (too lazy, another fic in progress) but I'll be sure to keep those suggestions in mind. ^^ Thanks!! ♥

*also, oof, my account's kisho. Damn defaults. ^^*

Permission to carry on

I wish to critique! Line by line!

...do you think you can take it hunny?

Re: Permission to carry on

Um. Yeah. Carry on. ^^

*makes sign of the cross, readies heart.*

This won't degrade your very being kisho. no. :p

"I hate the way you look at him.

"Your emerald eyes glaze over, they intensify, they form a hungry look. Not once did I get that from you."

This could've worked if you combined the two of them. The last phrase of your second sentence sort of destroyed the depth that the words preceding it wanted to relay. When you're going to build adjectives up (or stack 'em, whatev) it's either you descend or ascend in degree. The third sentence... well... it doesn't match the tense of the other two sentences. Although it is grammatically correct in itself, it didn't work for me.

"You stare at him over..."

I don't think "over" should be used here. During might be an overused word but it I think it can make the statement sound better. Or any word synonymous to it.

You can remove "Really" in the next paragraph.

gah. This is tough! Maybe I should just write what I think would be better. haha!

I remember the night when we kissed. You were drunk. And I was pretending to be. You smiled at me, inched your face closer, and closed your (insert adj) eyes. Your lips were a little chapped but still amazingly soft. You are a great kisser. You're just too innocent to notice it.

(There's a bit of a transition disaster here. But it's MY fault. hee.)

I was loving every second, drowning myself in the illusion that maybe...

I stood a chance.

But then,

"Draco."

I pulled away, feeling my cheeks flush in embarrassment, and my eyes (other verb) in anger. I wanted to punch you, break you, do anything that would make you feel the hurt I was feeling. How dare you?

But instead I chose to walk away.

The next day, you remembered. Not the name. But the kiss. You apologized. Everything fell back into place, nothing changed in our friendship.

Really.

Because I continued loving you anyway.

Sometimes it gets to the point when I want to break down. Cry. Let go. Leave...



"Ron, come on."

And you smile. Your eyes gleam. Not like it does with him, but close.

And my desire to leave disappears.

"All right."

That was tough. Maybe I shouldn't have offered to critic. I ended up EDITING it. Which shouldn't be. Sorry!

I think your short plot hits home... for most of us at least. Exception si sarj. :D

I stayed with the technical stuff because I think the story's good and it doesn't need any changing. The structure's different though. But it just needed a little tweaking.

Loff you!

Re: This won't degrade your very being kisho. no. :p

*huggles you* Thank you! Perhaps you should be my beta, as well. I've edited it.. hope something improved.

Loff you more!